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Meghan's dad died last week. Fritz, oh that goofy drunk man with the quick laugh and bottomless heart is gone from this world. And today, his world mourned him in the only way we knew how. We drank to his life. We laughed about the good times, the funny quirks. And we shed some tears for the loneliness he endured behind that easy smile, and our hearts broke because we knew his was broken.
We are too young to be burying our parents. We are too young yet to grasp that our loved ones are not invincible, that they will not live forever, that Mom and Dad will not always be there to offer shelter and support and love. I fear the day that I come to know this world without my parents.
- Mood:
sad
I'm starting to feel idle, I'm starting to feel like I need to get my ass back into some classes or something. My brain is getting hungry again. Or maybe I just need to read more on my own. I was doing really well for awhile there, but I haven't read a book since I got back from Mexico, I don't think. I've got about 15 that I have yet to read, but they're all in storage for the next month so that doesn't do me much good! Maybe I'll finally have to put that Half Price Books gift card (that my coworkers gave me for my birthday) to good use.
I'm also starting to feel less engaged at work. I love what I do, and I adore my students. But somehow I just feel like I can't compete with my coworkers. I'm just not that interested in getting ahead, and I think that's maybe not good. Sigh.
What else? Everything else is good. My daddy found a job and started today. Josh is still wonderful. I think I fall in love all over again every day. Okay, that's all for now.
- Mood:
bored
...but having a roommate who doesn't shovel so I have to do it all the time (well, actually, I had to BUY the shovel the past weekend because he never even did that!) is not something I'm thankful for. My back hurts and my feet are cold. My driveway is big. And I have shoveled 3 times since Saturday. Yikes. I think it's roommate's turn.
****
In other news, it's Christmas today in case you didn't know. Merry Christmas! It snowed a few inches here today, and as I was driving along 94 on my way home this wintery white evening, somehow I lost control of my car and did a 180 on 94 (for all of you non-Minnesotans, that's an interstate) with a SEMI coming right at me. Somehow I got my car turned around and kept along my not-so-merry way without a scratch on me. Pretty scary, though!
I got an MP3 player and a new digital camera and photo printer for Christmas. I have no idea how to use any of them yet. I will have to figure them out sometime next week. Josh and I leave for Sioux City on THursday morning to meet the fam and spend NYE with his friends. EEP!
Oscar is begging to open his Christmas gift from grandma (yes, my mother is crazy.) Gotta go!
- Mood:
sleepy
Time flies, doesn't it? And it flies when you're NOT having fun just as much as when you ARE having fun! I just recently discovered that. I graduate in fifteen days. Sheesh, I'm a little scared! A lot excited, but a little scared, too. What in the heck am I going to do with all my extra time and money? I'm joining a gym, just joined Blockbuster Online, and plan to re-join a book club of some sort. And hopefully I'll travel a little bit, too. I know for sure that trips to Ann Arbor, MI, and Winchester, VA, are in order. Maybe I'll get to NYC finally, too!
Today is Josh's and my 5-month anniversary. That is quite a feat for me. This is my longest relationship since Dan, and it is going swimmingly. Little bickery arguments here and there, but most of the time we are just really happy to be around each other. It is good. Really good. Scary good.
I hate snow.
- Mood:
busy
If one more person asks me what my halloween costume is today, I'm taking it off. I swear.
Also, i was supposed to give blood at 4 p.m. today but the lady wants to get home to take her little boy trick-or-treating. Apparently that is more important these days than potentially life-saving blood. I have been pumping myself full of vitamins since the last time I got turned down due to low iron, too! I am prepared this time, and now THEY are canceling on ME? I feel awfully rejected by the blood-mobile lately.
I am, however, still pretty darn crazy about Josh. So that's good!
- Location:Cubeland
- Mood:
cheerful
Why are our coins not more uniform? The quarter says on it "quarter dollar." The dime reads "one dime." The nickel says "five cents." And the penny? "one cent." Okay, number one, duh on the dime. I'm holding one dime, I'm not going to assume it equals "two dimes, "or fourteen dimes."
Am I the only one who is bothered by this incongruity amongst our coins? Yes, yes I am.
- Location:work. where else?
- Mood: amused
- Music:steve miller band
It has been one month and one day since my last confession. Oh, I mean journal entry. I still have the boyfriend. He is still very nice, and I still think I will marry him someday. To expand on that, we met in early August and clicked instantly--it was pretty crazy, actually--amazing chemistry right from the get-go... except I thought he had a girlfriend. Well, it turns out I was wrong and we've been dating ever since. He took me to PF Changs for our first official date. He had some duck thing and I had lemon chicken. Great conversation, lots of laughs, total chemistry. Going into the date, I was scared the chemistry wouldn't be there the way it was the night we met. Well, I was wrong. And it's still there. He has met all of my "important" family and a few of my friends, and a bunch of my coworkers. Everyone adores him, and one of my coworkers actually made the comment that we really seem to mesh well and it seems like we realy have a solid bond that not many people seem to develop in such a short amount of time. It's good, really good. He buys me flowers randomly--i.e. for no reason whatsoever but that he was thinking of me and thought I would like some flowers. He makes me breakfast, and sometimes dinner. He tells me every day how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me in his life. He makes me laugh on a daily basis. He is just fucking amazing, and I am so in awe of him. I am so lucky to have found him, and it amazes me to see how I act around him and how I treat him compared to some of the other guys I've dated. I'm myself, and I'm giddy and sweet and thoughtful and missing him every second he's not with me, and loving every stinkin' minute of it!
I have been creating a lot of havoc and starting a lot of wars at work lately. It can't say it's been fun, really. In the last two months I've wanted to quit at least 4,027 times but then I realize that I need to make it at least long enough to graduate AND receive my tuition reimbursement. That means I'm stuck here until at least January. Hopefully things get better on the administrative side of things here because I really do love my job and working with the students. It's the coworkers and corporate b.s. that gets in the way.
Speaking of work... I should get back to it.
Oh yeah, I graduate in 84 days. The countdown has *definitely* begun!
- Location:cubeland
- Mood: happy
- Music:n/a
- Location:work
- Mood: amused
lots of perspective being thrown my way lately, which is good and refreshing, but scary and annoying sometimes, too. because sometimes, i want to be dramatic. it just never really does any good.
i think colin and i are getting back to being on firmer ground with one another again, although i think it is a "friendship only" sort of firm ground. i think i am okay with that. it feels okay right now, anyway. we talked tonight like we used to in the beginning. it was a good feeling, i think, for both of us. we definitely have chemistry, there's no denying it... but we probably are better off just being friends. life is too complicated to warrant anything else.
kp and i have been bickering almost non-stop, like an old married couple, since he got home. it's stupid shit, too. only stupid shit! i'm so, so glad and so, so relieved that he is home. so why do the little things bother me?
because they can, i suppose, and for that i should be grateful.
- Location:my basement
- Mood:
weird - Music:oscar purring... does that count?
I'm overwhelmed at how much relief and happiness I am feeling right now. Let the party planning begin!
- Mood:
grateful
I have two friends serving in Iraq right now who I care a great deal about. One, who I've known for at least six or seven years, is fighting the good fight still, stuck there until winter sometime, and I pray every day that he stays safe and comes back to his friends and family and beautiful wife and gorgeous children, not too scarred by all that he has witnessed in that country. And then there is the other one, a friend for close to a decade, who I suspect is on his way home now (finally), or very close to being en route anyway. He has put his life on the line for all of us for nearly two years and it is about time he gets to come home. I am so excited for his safe return that I can barely contain myself. The planner in me wants to get the welcome home party plans nailed down, and I can't even tell you how much I am looking forward to getting a hug from that boy. It has been far too long.
My best friend of 24 years is getting married in a few short months to someone who I consider the greatest man to ever come into her life. It's a blessing those two found each other and I can't wait to see them grow as a couple and as a family.
I just got asked by a friend to be a bridesmaid when she and her husband renew their vows next year. I am lucky to have her in my life and am so glad that we have become friends in the last couple of years, and am so looking forward to sharing her special day with her.
There are so many people in my life who every day amaze me with their love and care and friendship. I am overwhelmed by how lucky I am to have these irreplaceable people in my life, I can't even put it into words.
Perspective. All the above matters so, so much. This is my life; these are my people, and they make my heart sing. It doesn't matter that someone I've known for less than 3 months doesn't give me the time of day and doesn't explain why. I deserve more, I deserve better. And I already have it in my family and friends, and within myself. I don't need him in my life in order to be this person or to live this amazingly content life. I had it before I met him; I have it still. And I am humbled by this realization.
- Mood: thankful
his emails have grown shorter, less frequent, less flirty.
and yet, when i gave him the perfect opportunity to walk away last week, he basically called me crazy and said, verbatim, "I love talking to you and being with you."
i call his bluff though. i am done. i thought this could be something great, he had great potential anyway. but he has given me no reason lately to want to stick around and find out.
so, maybe friendship is in the cards. it's not my turn to play though, this hand is on him. i hate to give up so easily, but even i, being sometimes naive and too trusting of men, even i know when it's time to walk away. it's up to him to follow after me, or not.
i keep playing in my head, over and over, "let him fly" by the dixie chicks. it's so fitting.
ain't no talkin' to this man...
ain't no pretty other side,
ain't no way to understand
stupid words of pride.
it would take an acrobat
and i already tried all that
so i'm gonna let him fly.
things can move at such a pace,
the second hand just waved goodbye
you know the light has left his face
but you can't recall just where or why
so there was really nothin' to it
i just went and cut right through it
i said i'm gonna let him fly
there's no mercy in a live wire
no rest at all in freedom
choices we are given,
it's no choice at all.
the proof is in the fire
you touch before it moves away
but you must always know how long to stay
and when to go
and there ain't no talkin' to this man
he's been tryin' to tell me so
it took awhile to understand...
the beauty of just letting go.
cuz it would take an acrobat,
and i already tried all that
so i'm gonna let him fly.
- Location:my altogether too quiet basement
- Mood:resigned
- Music:it's all in my head
I don't know much. I don't know the average temperature of Cabo San Lucas in August. I don't know how many people currently reside in Capetown, South Africa. I don't know my paternal grandfather's name, and I don't know if he went on to have other children besides my dad.
I don't know if Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny are real. I don't know if there is life on other planets. I don't know what I'll have for lunch next Tuesday or dinner next Friday.
I don't know what life has in store for me. I don't know where I'll be a year from now, or even six months from now. I don't know exactly why I met you. What I do know is that I can't stop thinking about you, and I miss hearing your voice. I know that I can't wait to see you again. I don't need to know what the future holds. All I need to know is that, right now, just the thought of you makes me smile... and that's gotta count for something!
----------------------
I hope...
...that you are having the best time ever.
...that the white stripes were more than you ever dreamed they would be.
...that you made good memories with good friends that will carry you back to wisconsin more "you" than you were when you left a week ago.
...that you miss me more than you thought you would.
...that you'll call me the second you get home because you miss the sound of my voice.
...that the novelty of "me" hasn't worn off.
...that you still feel about me the way you did the night we met.
...that I'll see you again.
...that there is more to this story...
...we just need to write it.
- Location:cubeland
- Mood: anxious
I was wrong last weekend, about never seeing Colin again. Spent this weekend with him, too, and am much more at peace with our situation. Well, kinda. We had a good talk last night and again this morning. It wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear but I still feel as though there could be hope. He thinks the distance thing will not allow us to progress, but that is the absolute only thing holding him back.
Still, I feel as though we made progress today. Maybe not in the way I had hoped to, but we had a real, bona fide talk about the status of "us." I am hoping that he will be willing to stay open-minded at least and see what happens, where life leads us. The odds are definitely not stacked in our favor, but he has been such a breath of fresh air in my life that I refuse to lay down and die. We'll see. Plus, he talked to his mom on the phone today as we were on our way to a movie (saw Mr. Brooks, it was good) and she must have asked if he was going by himself and he said "No, I have Michelle here with me." The way he said it so casually, he must have talked to his mom about me before... which I take as a good sign since he says she is his very best friend.
I know the reality, I know that this could be it for us... but I can't help but keep that little flicker of hope. He is an important piece of my life, I know that already, and it's only been two months.
- Location:Home... missing him a little already
- Mood: okay
and maybe it needs to be, maybe this was too hard to begin with. maybe the only reason he came into my life was to get me writing again.
i adore him. i adore every freaking thing about that man. but i don't think that's enough.
i should have walked away a month and a half ago, maybe, before this really got started. before it started getting real. but i don't know how to walk away from him. he's too much everything i've been looking for in a man to just walk away from him... i guess he will have to join the large line of men who have walked away from ME.
or maybe this is just me being me, stupid and insecure. but somehow, deep down, i know. a woman almost always knows.
- Location:home
- Mood: crushed
- Music:oscar purring
"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."
his world is hundreds of
miles and dozens of
life experiences
away from my own.
and still i walk forward.
hoping that somewhere amongst
the miles and the experiences
that so far separate us,
i will see him walking towards me.
no promises in his world
or mine
can guarantee that the path will be
straight, or easy, or even that
we’re on the same path at all.
but still i walk forward.
hoping, that maybe,
maybe,
we are on the same path.
besides, this walking
forward, not looking back
is good for the soul.
- Location:work
- Mood:
rejuvenated
I met someone great. Things are going great. Of course, because it's me, it has to be a complicated situation, because that's how I roll apparently.
I met Colin at my friend Ben's wedding in April. Colin is a 29-year-old Southern gentleman from Tennessee, who is currently working on the pipeline in Superior, Wisconsin. He has beautiful blue eyes and a killer accent. He's really nice, and funny, and intimidatingly intelligent. Oh yeah, and he's a WRITER.
We hit it off instantly at the wedding, spent most of the night talking (seriously!), and when Sunday morning rolled around and we had to say goodbye, I gave him my number, not *really* thinking I'd hear from him. I mean, what are the chances that he'd want to complicate his life by getting involved with a girl who, at best, lives 2.5 hours away from him, and at worst, 4 states? Well, apparently, chances were good, because he text messaged me later that night. THAT SAME NIGHT! He didn't even wait the standard two or three days!
The next weekend, I trekked up to Duluth to spend the weekend with him. I was nervous: What if we don't hit it off again? What if this was just a drunken thing? What if he's a jerk? Well, we did, it wasn't, and he's SO not. I've never in my life had such a hard time driving away from someone.
Since then, I haven't seen him. But we talk or email every day, and things I think are going as well as they can. He wants to come down for Memorial Day weekend but doesn't think they get that Monday off, which means he'd be here just Saturday night and Sunday day... and since I'll be up in Duluth three days later for work... I don't think I'll see him until then. It's tough, this distance thing... but it's not impossible.
We'll see where this all goes, but I feel good about it. I feel good about him.
- Mood:
optimistic
